Gig Etiquette Pt. 6: "You Know What You Oughta Do?"

The music industry is unique in many ways. Die of a drug overdose as an accountant or even an actor, and it's regarded as a sad, tragic, wasted life - but a musician? You're now a legend and you get your face on T-shirts at Hot Topic! In no other field can failing to produce any evidence of work for the last 14 years (looking at you, Axl) actually enhance excitement and interest about your endeavors. And in no other field does the mass public automatically assume they have full knowledge of exactly what a professional in that field should do; the subject of this blog entry.

As with other similarly themed blog posts I've done, I realize the good folks taking the time to direct me to the Wonka's golden ticket for riches and fame in the music biz only want me to succeed. However, fielding the same impotent advice night after night gets a little tiring. Normally I just smile, nod, and hope that suffices for a reply... in my mind I'm thinking:

"You should be on iTunes"
- I am, but I don't make a ton of money that way, so I sell downloads on my website too.

"You should go on American Idol!"
- (Click here and read this blog)

"You should get your songs on the radio!"
- (Click here and watch the movie on my home page) It takes a million dollars (approx.) and a label or major management to make that happen with any remote hope of success.

"You should make a viral video!"
- Viral is a term to define what happens AFTER the video is made, controlled entirely by the viewing public. That's like saying I should record a hit song, write a #1-selling book, roll nothing but 7's in Vegas, or campaign successfully for the office of President.

"You should get a manager!"
- Really? Personal manager? Tour manager? Do you know one? Any idea how hard that is? You're making it sound very easy.

"You should get an agent!"
- Booking agent? Publicity agent? Secret service agent? Know a good one, or an attorney who can draw up a contract with one?

"Oooh! Yeah, get an entertainment attorney too!"
- You gonna pay for one? I've dealt with a couple. It was kinda like throwing hundreds of dollars into a garbage disposal except it took hours of calling the garbage disposal and leaving messages for it to start grinding my cash into oblivion.

"Well you could pay for one if you played bigger, better paying shows. You should play Summerfest this year!"
- Gee, why didn't I just decide to play Summerfest, pay an attorney to write up contracts for a team of agents & managers, get my songs on the radio, put my CDs in Best Buy and make a viral video?

Let's think of this in another field.

If someone tells you they're thinking of becoming a lawyer, do you immediately respond with, "Ah - you should pass that BAR exam! And win all your cases!"?

How about if you discover the fella next to you on the plane is an aspiring writer? "You should get your book published! Why haven't you got your books in Barnes & Noble? You should get an editor."

An aspiring underwater welder? "You should master hyperbaric metallurgy and arc techniques!"

I really hope I'm not sounding cynical or vicious here, but I think one could understand how this all seems condescending and implies that I'm either so incompetent or grossly uninformed in my chosen field that I've missed the path to success that is so obvious to nearly every layperson I run into.

You know what you oughta do? Ask questions about what you don't know. You'll get a wealth of information from people who are passionate about what they do, and they'll get to talk about a subject they love. It helps everyone.

Gig Etiquette Pt. 5 - Storytellers

If you know me to any degree, you're well aware that I can talk for hours upon hours about music, musicians, bands, albums, the music industry, instruments, recording techniques, music history, etc. If you start me up, I'll never stop (thanks, Mick).

However, time and place are important factors. I openly invite anyone and everyone to chat me up before or after a show, and I'm almost always happy to have a quick exchange with fans, friends, or both between songs in a set (if it's a QUICK exchange clocking in well under 5 minutes, not a recitation of Homer's The Iliad) and provided it doesn't happen between every other song I play.

Content is also important.

GOOD: You drove here from a state away? That's awesome! You rock, and I'm glad to meet ya.

BAD: The girl over there likes me? Thanks, but I'm very happily married. Yes, I am. Yes, I really am. I AM telling the truth. No, I'm not just saying that because your friend looks too nerdy. I didn't say she looked nerdy, you did - I was just repeating you. No, it wouldn't change things if she wasn't wearing those glasses. Please go sit down.

GOOD: You recognized the Over the Rhine song I threw in? Glad you enjoyed it, and you have exquisite taste in music, sir (or ma'am).

BAD: You saw the Rolling Stones on their last tour? Hmmm... so did 2 million other people. They tour all the time. I'm not sure why you needed to stop the show to tell me that. I haven't played a Stones song all night. Is this a request? I have a Yorkshire Terrier. Is that of interest to you?

Beyond that, frequency is the final element to be mindful of. I already mentioned the "Oh, he just ended another song... must be time to go talk to him again" issue, but try and keep track of who you've told your story to. You got drunk in Minneapolis and somehow bumped into Prince, got nervous and puked all over him, only to laugh hysterically when you saw it was purple? Awesome story... the first 12 times. Now it's just kinda annoying (and a biohazard now that I think about it).

So tell me what's on your mind. But keep it brief, on topic, and timed properly.

Gig Etiquette Pt. 4 - Clapping

This is not a blog post about applause.

This post is about clapping along with the music, or rather clapping despite the music, without any concept of rhythm as the world knows it.

Check out the video for a real-world example of what I'm talking about.

Clapping along is almost always encouraged at my shows. If you dig the music so much that you just gotta put your hands together (Prince told me to!!!), make sure you have some sense of where the beat is.



This check list just may save your life and the ears of those around you:

* Look around - is anyone else clapping with you? It's okay to give them a few beats to jump in. If not, STOP CLAPPING.

* So other people are clapping - woohoo! The party is almost started. Are you clapping your hands together at the exact time, over and over, as they are? Ya might want to compare with 2 or more folks as the person next to you may be cursed with white-boy rhythm too. If you aren't on the money with somebody on every single clap, STOP CLAPPING.

* If this still doesn't tame that dancing devil inside you and you simply MUST clap to the beat of your own one-armed drummer, do so quietly. It seems these folks that God assembled without a metronome like to clap louder than thunder (again, see video). You're throwing the band off, sweetheart.

I often wonder if these people recited their ABC's or counted to 10 off time. How is that possible? "One, two, three... four... ... fivesixseven... eight, nine,... aaaaaaaand ten."

If these points don't apply to you, Congratulations. Give yourself a hand...

...in 7/4 time at 73 BPM.

Gig Etiquette Pt. 3 - Appreciation (ahem... Tipping)

Johnny Loungesinger just played your favorite song of all time and rocked it even harder than Billy Squier and Pat Boone put together with The News as their backup band. Wow.

So how do you show your appreciation? Clapping is good. Screaming his name and "WE LOVE YOU!!!" might get good or bad results depending on the performer, venue setting, or the sensitivity of the audience members around you. But tipping is arguably the highest form of praise for a local, live performer.

You might think this topic seems like something that needs no instruction, but you'd be wronger than a nonexistent tense of the word wrong.

1. No Requirement - This ain't the waitstaff. If you think the band blows, keep your dough. Don't feel bad about it. Still try to be polite though.

2. No Pantomimes - so you're low on cash and didn't expect your date to order the lobster-stuffed duck, only carry credit/debit cards, or maybe you don't want to part with your last $2 bill. These things happen.

Doing the overacted pat down of your pockets and conjuring up a "darn... sorry!" expression isn't necessary. In fact, it can be a little patronizing and insulting. Just say, "Thanks, I enjoyed the music/show/cat-juggling" (which is a rewarding compliment to get in its own way), and move along. Even better - tell the manager (and others) that you really dig the performer.

3. Delivery - if the show is still going, put it in the jar. No jar? Just place it on a flat surface near the performer. If you prefer to hand it directly to someone, just do so in between songs or after the show is over and everything's groovy, baby. NOTE: Trying to hand a dollar bill to a guy playing guitar and then acting like HE'S a jerk for not sprouting a 3rd arm to take it is a stupidity crime worthy of brain reassignment.

4. Advertisements - Yeah, you can drop a business card in with your tip. Can't speak for everyone, but I'll check it out. But don't just drop in a fold-out ad of the multi-level marketing scam that isn't a multi-level marketing scam (really!) you're recruiting for.

5. Amount - Locales and cultures often have their own norms for tipping, so use your best judgment. If this is the best show you've seen in months, or you really want to help and support this performer's career, compensate accordingly. If you're an annoyingly drunk close-talker, go metric with this number (double it & add 30).

Gig Etiquette Pt. 2 - Song Requests

Requests can be fun. Requests can also be jalapeño-soaked, sautéed hell on a stick.

There are a few key points to keep in mind when making requests of a performer that will ensure the likelihood of you hearing your fave song and (hopefully) avoiding said performer berating you from the stage immediately prior to burying a microphone stand in your ear canal.

I don't need to be tipped for each and every request, but it sure is nice when that happens! I really dig almost all the songs I know how to play, and am more than happy to play them when requested... though every time someone asks for "Sweet Caroline", I die a little inside.

Here are 10 tips to help make the most of your song request:

1 - Please don't make a request while I'm singing. Yes, this happens. Often. If my mouth is open, and my vocal chords are vibrating, how is it that you expect me to answer you when you keep repeatedly shouting "Do you know any BODEEEEEANS???!!". Think, darlin'.

2 - Please don't make a request if you're smashed drunk. The sloppy-slurred request for "that song that goes duhduhduh-duhduh-duh... you know?" is about as welcome as a rabid ferret in my shorts. UNLESS you're laying down an insanely huge, monstrously sizeable tip. Currency covers all manner of sins at a gig. This one is often very closely related to the next one:

3 - Know the song you're going to request. "We had it played at our wedding... umm... gee... what was that... it's my favorite Bob Dylan song of all time... or was it Pat Boone? Could have been Denver Stevens. Is that his name? It's something about a horse and time travel in Alabama I think... you know?"

4 - If I say I don't know it, I don't know it. I enjoy playing people's requests, I really do. If I say I don't know how to play "Welcome to the Jungle", I'm not lying to you. Why would I? And every time you say, "Oh come on, you know it! Uh-huh... you do too... just play it!", you're only making me contemplate how wonderful it would be to possess the ability to make others spontaneously combust. As referenced in #2, singing/humming/duh-duh-duh-ing part of the song is equally pointless.

5 - Keep it realistic. Asking for anything that's actually received radio play is your best bet. Asking for an artist's deep cuts is less likely to get a positive result... not something I'd recommended making a habit of, but you never know. And asking for that b-side from the Live in Tokyo disk that was only available as an 8-track bootleg from their tour in 1973... there's a good chance that I'm imagining your head as a fireball again.

6 - Tip accordingly. If you've asked for a ton of songs over the course of the night, and the guy (or gal) at the mic has managed to play most of them, you'd better be dropping some legal tender with someone besides Lincoln or Washington on it in their jar.

7 - Put a cap on it. Do you really want to hear a certain song, or is the act of making a request somehow thrilling in and of itself? Making a request between each song I play is bad. If you stop me from moving to my next song to just sit and go, "Hmmm... wait a minute... ummm... (turning to the person next to you) what's a good song? Let me think for a minute..." Flame on.

8. Don't give me a hard time if I don't know it. I know over 300 songs (and counting). I simply don't have time to learn everything there is. Also, everyone has artists they can't stand, myself included. My apologies if you love someone I'm not fond of, but I just can't bring myself to listen to Neil Young or learn a song by some Cat who supports religiously-motivated hits on people.

9. Keep it in style. Do I really sound like I would do Korn or Slipnot? Pink? Taylor Swift? Sit down.

10. Don't request the same song multiple times. Yeah, you might love "Layla" so much you want to hear me play it back to back until the gig ends, but that doesn't mean everyone else that's listening feels the same way. Think of others. Other people... and other songs.

I hope this helps. Feel free to print this out and take it with you the next time you're venturing out for an evening of live music. You'll be requesting like a pro before you know it.

Gig Etiquette Pt.1 - Freebird!!!

NEVER yell "Freebird!!!" at a live performance. Ever.

You may think you're being funny, but you're actually ruining people's lives.


Seriously. Imagine if each day you went to work, some... person told you the exact same "knock, knock" joke at some point. You don't know exactly when he's going to wander over and destroy your faith in humanity with his sad, pathetic attempt at humor, but it's gonna happen. Might drive you crazy after the 700th time, don't you think?

You're that guy.

Truth of the matter is that I hear this at almost every show I play. This gag is more tired than the "stopping a wedding to tell the bride she should be with me instead" ending of a romantic comedy movie. Notice how the only people who still chuckle at this are the inbred d-bags who yell it?

I've had people call it out who didn't even know the song once they started to hear some of it (because they cheered when I said, "OK", and started to play an obscure Waterdeep track). Someone once was so tactless they called it out before a memorial service I played. I've even had some guys at shows who were so socially retarded they called it out between every single song I played (yes, this has happened WAY more than once).

Stop it. Forever.

For a more humorous insight into this from a gentleman who is also a performing musician, I now leave you with this blog post from my buddy, Les Hodge:

There are some things that will always make me laugh no matter how many times I hear them. It's really rare for a joke to have longevity, because surprise is a keystone of comedy. Nope, it takes a great story, or a running joke that is so funny it hearkens (that's right, I said 'hearkens') you back to the first time you heard/experienced the gag to keep you laughing for an extended period of time. If you're a band you can keep playing your hit song your entire career, but if you're a comedian you have to constantly update your material or no one will pay to see you. Imagine if Letterman was still using the same jokes he used a year ago? Wait, that's a bad example. Anyway, you know what I mean.

So last night, I was playing a show at Crow Creek when it happened

I'm sorry. I had to take a break because I'm laughing just THINKING about it. Right between two songs some guy; some genius... yells out "FREEEBIRD!"

Oh.

My.

God.

Of course, the entire bar just erupted. There were people on the floor, people were high-fiving, an older gentleman reminisced about how some guy yelled out Freebird at another show he was at... We briefly took a hard look at just tearing down our P.A. and heading home. How were we gonna top that? The people came to be entertained and they got what they paid for. Alas, somehow, we pulled ourselves together and finished our set.

Later, as the Freebird guy was leaving, I gave him an appreciative nod as if to say "Thank you. I know that you weren't the first guy to yell "freebird," and you won't be the last, but every time is unforgettable. Even if we never meet again, tonight is something we will always share."

Your ways are mysterious, Freebird man. How do you make it to so many shows? Is there a meeting every night at 6 pm, where a small group of comedy sultans pour over an Urban Tulsa picking out shows to bless with your golden nugget of hilarity? My gut says no. It's something more... organic than that. Spiritual. You just tucked your dirty polo shirt into your jean shorts, fastened that braided belt, and headed out. You had no idea you'd be the Richard Pryor of Crow Creek Tavern. But sometime after your fifth High-life and your ninth GPC, it welled up inside you... like a fire. And then you let that sweet gem pass out from beneath your sans-irony mustache and into comedy immortality.

I know I speak for every musician I know when I say thank you, and keep em' comin.' We love when you 'help us out.' If laughter truly is the best medicine, you sir are the cure for what ails me.